Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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