me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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