I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
