we have pet lesbian snakes
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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