she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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