I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
