I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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