he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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