i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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