dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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