I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
