I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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