It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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