billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
