Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
