I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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