rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
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