***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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