You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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