If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Randomize
