Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
