Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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