I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
