Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
FUCK WHALES
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
