Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
