he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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