Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
