You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
