last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
