Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
