I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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