Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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