So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
