Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
