I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
