My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
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You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
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He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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