So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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