I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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