woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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