I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
We had sex on a dog bed..
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?