so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
These Attractive Criminals Got Modeling Contracts After Getting Arrested
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat