i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
If I die, sorry about rent.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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