So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
