If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?