Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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