I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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