My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
