Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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