my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
