I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
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