if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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