well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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