All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
You took a bar mat shot.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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