you have to choose: penises or morals?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
