a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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