i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
